"Happy Cows" Are Fucking Slaves

CALIFORNIA -- Rumors have escalated in recent years that "happy cows come from California," a message controlled by the liberal Hollywood Establishment.



"Frankly, it reminds me of the Mao Regime," commented Foreign Minister to Arizona, Matthew Huggins. "They show these cows in sunglasses, smooth-talking to the television audiences across the United States, and maybe citizens are falling for it. Maybe people actually believe a state whose entire existence is based on the manipulation of both Nature and Civilization can produce happy cows. But those spots don't fool me. You can apply blush to a bruise and you can paint a spot over the burns from a cattle prod, but underneath it all pain is pain, and I can see what cowers behind those Wayfarers."

Equally called into question at the hearings were the citizens of Wisconsin for allowing such a rivalry to fester. California is duly acknowledged for its strengths -- cinema, surfing, wine -- but dairy is not a likely threat to the Wisconsin industry, whose legacy of delicious 2% chocolate milk and fresh, squeaky cheese curds make them the figureheads for the state's identity elsewhere in the United States. Allowing such callous antagonisms as a "surfing cow" to shift happy-working conditions on Wisco farms is "no less appalling than California cheese" the committee members concluded.

The Wiscorksin Environmental Tribunal has issued a decree of amnesty for any and all bovines seeking shelter from unfair labor conditions not only in California, but also in the state of Wisconsin and beyond. "We have no idea what horrors hide behind the curtains of dairy farms," reasoned an Agricultural Attache to the Tribunal. "Thus, we must make sanctuary available to all cows seeking escape from a life they have no control over."

A statement was released later that afternoon that Kraft American Singles had never and will never be allowed as substitute for the generous products provided by cows of the free state, except on such nationally-recognized days of rest and on those occasions when dairy cows take holiday. It remains uncertain if Beef Cattle, Zebu, Yak, Gaur, Bison and other members of the Bovidae family will be offered similar rights in the People's Republic of Wiscorksin.