Foreign Minister to Return Home

A festive few days is soon to come upon the People's Republic of Wiscorksin. Foreign Minister Huggins, Jr. shall be visiting the County of New York City for the first time, arriving in the early morn of April 23rd. Though a long day of press conferences at the UN will take a majority of his time Thursday, the Minister is expected to meet with his countrymen/women the remainder of the weekend.

" dot dot dot dot pause dot dot pause dash dash dash dot pause dot dash dot pause," Minister Huggins, Jr. explained via telegraph. Later adding "dot dot dash dash dot dot duck duck goose".





-See Ann Lander's column "Your Body and You" in this Monday's local paper.

This Week In Brunching News

BROOKLYN, New York -- Photos reveal members of the Wiscorksin delegation drunk in public. Surprise, surprise... Ministers stumbled drunk from brunch to a bar... with a photo booth.

Wiscorksin GDP and GNP Expected To Increase Exponentially

NEW YORK, New York -- Ministers announced this morning that projections for Wiscorksin's 2009 GDP show a likely exponential growth with the production of two confirmed record releases: the freshman effort from Brooklyn's Doppelganger, which enters the final stages of mastering and pressing soon, and a new release from Wiscorksin veterans, The Dead Sparrows (formerly The Cummies). Critics have considered the new commonwealth's decision to base their entire economy on the production and export of rock'n'roll a bold economic strategy, but it seems to be working.



While global financial markets continue to struggle, if not plummet completely, the near-Lycurgian approach of Wiscorksin's GDP and GNP models seem to be showing stable growth. "Sometimes the best thing to do is just hold up, harden up and put out some good records," stated Minister Airis "Out there is a whole world of music to sift through. Well, we've heard some of it, brought it home in our heads when it was good enough and now we're going to drop a couple of albums on everyone else that draw a line... like B.C. and A.D. In fact, you can even check out our new record, Into the Nettles, for a taste of what's to come."

Ministers expressed no trepidations at a failure to export anything but rock'n'roll, producing all other essentials internally - alcohol, architecture, clothing, even some food. "We get by on what gets us through," Minister Huggins announced confidently. And rumors continue to circulate regarding other releases from LES band Des Roar and a solo effort from JM Airis.

Bill of Rights Discussed - Not Yet Finalized

Meeting minutes logged on March 8th revealed an important step towards a set of basic needs and natural rights that must be available to all Wiscorksin Citizens.

Minister O'Keeffe: "Ministers, I want to raise awareness about something I am very passionate about."

Minister Finn: "I know; you are not even eating!"

Minister O'Keeffe: "I was watching historical footage of one of our national heroes, Surivior man, in which Mr. Survivor was dropped in the middle of the ocean with nothing but the dingy he was on."

After an extensive discussion of the archived footage, it was determined that if Wiscorksin Citizens were to claim one basic need, it would most certainly be that of land.

"We are not amphibians!" yelled Minister Finn (no pun intended).

Just as our sister nation America declared manifest destiny we declare this our "Manifest Destiny Epiphany;" it is an obviously certain realization that without land, Wiscorksinites would most certainly perish.

I call upon you now fellow benevolent ministers, that in this time of great advancement and achievement we establish a bill of rights so that no citizen is left at sea.

Arithmetic For Dealers.

After some furious protesting outside of the Wiscorksin offices for Fair Trade, Weights and Measures by some disgruntled drug users, it has been passed by Wiscorksin Ministers at an emergency board meeting that as of this day forward, all drug dealers must sit and pass a new course of arithmetic for dealers. The new Methmatics exam is to insure the correct amount of any given narcotic substance is to Wiscorksin Methmathic standard and accurately measured to the amount stated.

"It had come to our attention that some negligent and slipshod suppliers were not adhering to the Fair-trade practices that were outlined in the initial Wiscorksin business charter (article 5.02.1 sect b) and we decided to take affirmative action," stated Minister Finn, "so we took it upon ourselves to take these ambiguous practices to task. Our aim is to ensure fair and just portions for all and not only that, we also aim to instill a sharp awareness for time-keeping and time-management to these delinquent and dilatory fellows."

The Methmathical referendum was unanimously supported by all cabinet members and rushed through with only a minimum of fuss. "I hope this is the dawning of a new age of considerable candor and righteousness for all involved, and we can all get back to living our life in the glorious manner to which we are accustomed." spoke the Minister for Inebriation and Recreation at the end of a two hour press conference that was punctuated by frequent bathroom breaks and a hefty intake of 'Jazz-cigarettes'.

OFFICIAL WISCORKSIN MEETING

---On Sunday, March 8th we will hold an official meeting of the Wiscorksin ministry. At three o'clock post meridiem in the diner of Relish, we will be discussing our official position on mythical creatures within our borders and establishing our naval division of operations apparel. Attendance of all Wiscorksin ministers is requested---

"T'Aint'ed National Landmark" Tops Summit Discussions

INIS MOR, Ire (AP) -- In early times, Wiscorksin, an alienated region, was ridiculed by MPs in Dublin and equally tormented by a corrupt Wisconsin legislature. The region had since then migrated between two continents, two states and two countries; represented by two flags to remain undetected by harsh rule. Wiscorksinites, whose original ancestors date back almost 2,592,000 seconds, were regarded as a threat to the rest of the world. They were outsiders; fiends; heathens; smart-asses; visionaries, whose outlandish gab proved to be far superior to UN, pompous yuppie, and FOX News comprehension. An outlandish gab that no longer reigns upon deaf ears.

On February 5th, 2009, the proud people of Wiscorksin paraded along St. Patrick's Quay in Corcaigh; a craic that lasted throughout the night. The following day, Minister Finn, Minister Coats and Minister Huggins, Sr. and others were sworn in at the stone in Blarney. Foreign Minister Huggins, Jr. was honorably sworn in later due his absence involving the crusades in the land of Arizona.

The Blarney Stone, the corner'stone' (yah, it's a pun; fuck you; wanna fight about it) of Wiscorksin's existence, recently became the predominant issue debated at the WTB (Wiscorksin Tourism Bureau) and NADS (National Advisory for Domestic Security) Summit held on the isle of Inis Mor. Officials discussed the flux of tourists from numerous countries who have now flooded to Wiscorksin to kiss the beloved stone as its founding fathers had done when they were sworn in. The spike in tourism revenue has helped the country financially, but has left several MPs to wallow in skepticism.

Minister J.K. Coats addressed both councils upon returning to Wiscorksin from New York. "Our fine nation is once again under scrutiny. The independence we vouched for should not amount to a one euro tip and snog from an Ivy-League douche with a Northface fleece!" exclaimed Minister Coats. Later adding "If t'aint our national landmark, t'aint a reason to have the NADS to protect it." Though at one point in an uncomfortable position, the NADS have adjusted themselves for a more firm position on the tourism issue. Without argument, the WTB - whom all are NADS - agreed.

Mysticism once engulfed the lore of the Blarney Stone. It has been passed down that those who kiss the stone shall be eloquent. A testament to which all Wiscorksinites aspire, never failing to follow a comment with a classic Naven schneaar. However, that mysticism has been tarnished; Minister Coats's observations are not daft. Wiscorksin hospitals have been flooded with tourists spewing nothing but shit from their mouths upon kissing the stone, going to such lengths as to pretend they have an authentic "Wiscorksin Accent".

Blarney local, Paddy Gleason accounts that "these tourists; fiends; heathens; would get the same amount of attention from their bourgeoisie mates if they had an arm sticking out of their ass." Clearly, local residents feel some amount of angst toward the interlopers looking to adopt the Wiscorksin identity for purely aesthetic reasons.

The NADS remain in a bind, but parliament; parliament remains optimistic. If need be, to protect the sovereignty of the People's Republic of Wiscorksin, NADS have declared borders may possibly be closed and boundaries drawn. Though even the Wiscorksin ministers are baffled on how best to do this.




* Further articles, responses, and opinions from the Pocket Protector may be also read under the alias "Ann Landers" in local American newpapers.