Wiscorksin Planning Council Laying Foundations to Acquire Land

Des Moines, IA - For months now, turmoil and conflict have stricken the lands* of Wiscorksin. The fine nation, with it's proactive arts movement, open drug policies, and charismatic "Why The Fuck Not?" slogan, has yet to furnish an earthen homestead of its own. However, a breakthrough has developed over the past few days. En route to Iowa City, Iowa, Foreign Minister "Huggy J" Huggins made brief Midwestern stops in Lincoln, Nebraska and Des Moines, Iowa to promote the Wiscorksin way of life. In a historic late morning/early afternoon, Minister Huggins, Jr. knighted/knightetted Sir Braden Miller, Sir Nicolas Sass, Sir Mark Obrist, Sir Joseph Grossman, and Madam Katie Bracken into the realms of the Wiscorksin nation (approval still pending from the Supreme Council). In this joy-euse of moments, the Intergalactic Wiscorksin Discussion of Scholarly Discussioners was immediately founded. Talks of acquiring land soon followed.

"Why not Pluto?", exclaimed Sir Miller. "It is no longer a planet, no one owns that shit!"

"Why the fuck not?", replyed the fellow discussioners.

Though a fault does lie within the thinking of Sir Miller, heroic and daring in his vision. The Wiscorksin Space and Teleportation Program is still in it's development phase, as seen in reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It was eventually discussed that this was more a vision of future planning, pure brilliance, tastefully portrayed as ignorance by Sir Miller.

"People will soon flock to Pluto for reasons unknown to them. One day they will just keep driving and end up in our backyard, not really knowing why... (reminents of this monologue are missing but show uncanny similiarities to James Earl Jones' in "Field of Dreams"). Snickers arose from the peanut gallery, but were met with a reprise of jubilation once Sir Miller finished explaning his theory.

So, to the fellow Wiscorksinites, we shall soon have land.




In other news, local Boy Scout earns merit badge for Community Service by promoting and providing breast exams for older women.

* "land" is used for illustrative purposes

Bubbles in a bubble

It has just been announced that there are "flu-like" symptoms discovered at a Williamsburg school. ABC Channel 7 Eyewitness News has reported a "pre-scare" in the well known and loved Brooklyn neighborhood.

Drug dealers have stated though their* services will not be affected however, an announcement that was met with general relief and contentment from residents.

"Why the Fuck Not", said @##$^#$^ (not real name (NRN)), "in an effort to keep the creative juices flowing in the borough, we will continue to corrupt and inspire the minds of the youth by bringing and gladly distributing our wares, even if it means wearing HAZ-MAT suits."

This last part, however, was omitted from the news bulletin.

*this is an edit from the original post, it was pointed out by the Wiscorksin Grammar Police (WGP)

Why The Fuck Not??

In an Extraordinary General Meeting (EGM) of Wiscorskin delegates today, substantial progress has been made in the advancement and general progression of our great nation. Even though this motion has not been ratified by the Wiscorksin General Assembly (WGA) yet, there are very strong indications from within the inner sanctum that an official State Motto (SM) has been proposed and almost unanimously approved by the assembly.

"Why The Fuck Not?!"(WTFN)

It was an epiphany first noticed by Scottish Ambassador (SA) Laidlaw and quickly endorsed by our newest Connecticut Ambassador (CA) Marinelli after a very successful Power-Brunch (PB) at Minister Finn and Minister O Keeffe's New York Residence (NYR).

"It became apparent when all the other delegates became flush and excitable," uttered Marinelli CA, "At first we thought it was the brunch bombs, but it soon became apparent that it was the quirky catchphrase the was causing the mild euphoria quickly spreading throughout the lounge!!".

Some Ministers were so beyond themselves with joy and self-awareness that they were unable to provide a printable quote for even this page. "This could be the the best day ever", pronounced Minister Coats, as Hall and Oates filled the room from an impressive, but not too pricey, 5.1 Surround system.

More awesomeness is to be expected over the next few days as some great debate is sure to ensue, with Ministers to reach agreement very soon!

"Why The Fuck Not." says this observer, and who would argue??

Revealed: American Cellphones And Irish Accents Behind Spam Poetry

BROOKLYN, New York -- A rash of bizarre text messages have appeared in several delegate cellphone SMS inboxes and it seems despite frustrations, Wiscorksin officials are determined to have a good laugh over it. It's been discovered that the combination of Irish dialects from the Corkian Wiscorksin heritage paired with a voice-automated SMS application produces a strange slew of incomprehensible words guaranteed to confound its recipient.

"Perhaps I should take this more seriously," conceded Minister Finn "but when you dictate a thirty-plus word message and only a single utterance is accurate, you can't really help but laugh. It's just another example of the extent to which the socio-economic power tribes of the world will do everything they can to hold us down, and why our quest for geographic borders becomes all the more necessary."

The message to which Finn alluded was received as follows: "Tonight what are you doing of late tonight I would the fun I know you better drink and my dad with the end of the shit Matt rock on hater dom mother fucker..."

Finn, later with the affirmation of both Ministers Huggins and Airis, revealed the intended message was meant as a communication about the next Ministers session. "I have no other option but to assume that this is a deliberate attack on the sovereignty of our new nation-state. Clearly such an application is intended to make any Wiscorksinite feel drunk and embarrassed, which is both a subjugation of our pursuit of happiness and a cultural slur against us as a whole," spoke Finn with unanimous agreement from the council. "We will remain steadfast against these triveling matters. They will not see us sweat!!"

Furthermore, it is suspected that this combination of Irish dialects and the SMS application are being recorded on at an unknown central hub for the profiteering of email spam messages, explaining their drunken, poetic syntax. An ad-hoc Wiscorksin sub-committee has been formed to investigate further.

In follow-up news: Minister Finn's phone now only sends two-letter responses.

An Open Invitation to Mr. Queens

Dear Mr. Stevie Queens,

We, the people of the Great Nation of Wiscorksin, would like to cordially invite you to join us in the festive tradition of brunching. It has come to our attention the hard work and dedication you have put forth as a Sparrow in your contributions to the soon to be released Into The Nettles Economic Bailout Package. Our economy is depending on you. We would like to show our appreciation with a long afternoon of brunch bombs. Please contact your local Councilman with your preferred brunch date and time.

Yours Truly,
Minister J.K. Coats

Wiscorksin Artistic Institute heralded by all

It was an historic day in Wiscorksin Art news over the past weekend with the unveiling and subsequent lauding of the new landmark institute.
The Museum Of Modern Ordinariness (MoMO) was officially opened by Wiscorksin Minister for Artistic Integrity and Self Awareness, Minister Coates, to rapturous applause from the ever-growing Wiscorksin artistic community.
"It is a great honor to be here at the dawning of a new era in Wiscorksin," declared Minister Coates, "I have a great feeling inside that this is the birth of a truly great creative cycle in the life of all Wiscorskinites, in fact I feel my artistic flower begging to grow as I stand here amongst you all today!"
Many in the bohemian sector of our culture have heralded this as a milestone in our country's charter and an opening of the virtual floodgates for the art, ordinary or otherwise, that will flow from our citizens like the never-ending tears from the Rock Of Love contestants, while others greeted the news with a shrug of the shoulders and an inaudible grunt. These undesireables shall be henseforth banished from our shores and have their citzenship revoked unless a new lease of enthusiasm is found.

So take note Wiscorksinites, embrace the art or die!!

Foreign Minister to Return Home

A festive few days is soon to come upon the People's Republic of Wiscorksin. Foreign Minister Huggins, Jr. shall be visiting the County of New York City for the first time, arriving in the early morn of April 23rd. Though a long day of press conferences at the UN will take a majority of his time Thursday, the Minister is expected to meet with his countrymen/women the remainder of the weekend.

" dot dot dot dot pause dot dot pause dash dash dash dot pause dot dash dot pause," Minister Huggins, Jr. explained via telegraph. Later adding "dot dot dash dash dot dot duck duck goose".





-See Ann Lander's column "Your Body and You" in this Monday's local paper.

This Week In Brunching News

BROOKLYN, New York -- Photos reveal members of the Wiscorksin delegation drunk in public. Surprise, surprise... Ministers stumbled drunk from brunch to a bar... with a photo booth.

Wiscorksin GDP and GNP Expected To Increase Exponentially

NEW YORK, New York -- Ministers announced this morning that projections for Wiscorksin's 2009 GDP show a likely exponential growth with the production of two confirmed record releases: the freshman effort from Brooklyn's Doppelganger, which enters the final stages of mastering and pressing soon, and a new release from Wiscorksin veterans, The Dead Sparrows (formerly The Cummies). Critics have considered the new commonwealth's decision to base their entire economy on the production and export of rock'n'roll a bold economic strategy, but it seems to be working.



While global financial markets continue to struggle, if not plummet completely, the near-Lycurgian approach of Wiscorksin's GDP and GNP models seem to be showing stable growth. "Sometimes the best thing to do is just hold up, harden up and put out some good records," stated Minister Airis "Out there is a whole world of music to sift through. Well, we've heard some of it, brought it home in our heads when it was good enough and now we're going to drop a couple of albums on everyone else that draw a line... like B.C. and A.D. In fact, you can even check out our new record, Into the Nettles, for a taste of what's to come."

Ministers expressed no trepidations at a failure to export anything but rock'n'roll, producing all other essentials internally - alcohol, architecture, clothing, even some food. "We get by on what gets us through," Minister Huggins announced confidently. And rumors continue to circulate regarding other releases from LES band Des Roar and a solo effort from JM Airis.

Bill of Rights Discussed - Not Yet Finalized

Meeting minutes logged on March 8th revealed an important step towards a set of basic needs and natural rights that must be available to all Wiscorksin Citizens.

Minister O'Keeffe: "Ministers, I want to raise awareness about something I am very passionate about."

Minister Finn: "I know; you are not even eating!"

Minister O'Keeffe: "I was watching historical footage of one of our national heroes, Surivior man, in which Mr. Survivor was dropped in the middle of the ocean with nothing but the dingy he was on."

After an extensive discussion of the archived footage, it was determined that if Wiscorksin Citizens were to claim one basic need, it would most certainly be that of land.

"We are not amphibians!" yelled Minister Finn (no pun intended).

Just as our sister nation America declared manifest destiny we declare this our "Manifest Destiny Epiphany;" it is an obviously certain realization that without land, Wiscorksinites would most certainly perish.

I call upon you now fellow benevolent ministers, that in this time of great advancement and achievement we establish a bill of rights so that no citizen is left at sea.

Arithmetic For Dealers.

After some furious protesting outside of the Wiscorksin offices for Fair Trade, Weights and Measures by some disgruntled drug users, it has been passed by Wiscorksin Ministers at an emergency board meeting that as of this day forward, all drug dealers must sit and pass a new course of arithmetic for dealers. The new Methmatics exam is to insure the correct amount of any given narcotic substance is to Wiscorksin Methmathic standard and accurately measured to the amount stated.

"It had come to our attention that some negligent and slipshod suppliers were not adhering to the Fair-trade practices that were outlined in the initial Wiscorksin business charter (article 5.02.1 sect b) and we decided to take affirmative action," stated Minister Finn, "so we took it upon ourselves to take these ambiguous practices to task. Our aim is to ensure fair and just portions for all and not only that, we also aim to instill a sharp awareness for time-keeping and time-management to these delinquent and dilatory fellows."

The Methmathical referendum was unanimously supported by all cabinet members and rushed through with only a minimum of fuss. "I hope this is the dawning of a new age of considerable candor and righteousness for all involved, and we can all get back to living our life in the glorious manner to which we are accustomed." spoke the Minister for Inebriation and Recreation at the end of a two hour press conference that was punctuated by frequent bathroom breaks and a hefty intake of 'Jazz-cigarettes'.

OFFICIAL WISCORKSIN MEETING

---On Sunday, March 8th we will hold an official meeting of the Wiscorksin ministry. At three o'clock post meridiem in the diner of Relish, we will be discussing our official position on mythical creatures within our borders and establishing our naval division of operations apparel. Attendance of all Wiscorksin ministers is requested---

"T'Aint'ed National Landmark" Tops Summit Discussions

INIS MOR, Ire (AP) -- In early times, Wiscorksin, an alienated region, was ridiculed by MPs in Dublin and equally tormented by a corrupt Wisconsin legislature. The region had since then migrated between two continents, two states and two countries; represented by two flags to remain undetected by harsh rule. Wiscorksinites, whose original ancestors date back almost 2,592,000 seconds, were regarded as a threat to the rest of the world. They were outsiders; fiends; heathens; smart-asses; visionaries, whose outlandish gab proved to be far superior to UN, pompous yuppie, and FOX News comprehension. An outlandish gab that no longer reigns upon deaf ears.

On February 5th, 2009, the proud people of Wiscorksin paraded along St. Patrick's Quay in Corcaigh; a craic that lasted throughout the night. The following day, Minister Finn, Minister Coats and Minister Huggins, Sr. and others were sworn in at the stone in Blarney. Foreign Minister Huggins, Jr. was honorably sworn in later due his absence involving the crusades in the land of Arizona.

The Blarney Stone, the corner'stone' (yah, it's a pun; fuck you; wanna fight about it) of Wiscorksin's existence, recently became the predominant issue debated at the WTB (Wiscorksin Tourism Bureau) and NADS (National Advisory for Domestic Security) Summit held on the isle of Inis Mor. Officials discussed the flux of tourists from numerous countries who have now flooded to Wiscorksin to kiss the beloved stone as its founding fathers had done when they were sworn in. The spike in tourism revenue has helped the country financially, but has left several MPs to wallow in skepticism.

Minister J.K. Coats addressed both councils upon returning to Wiscorksin from New York. "Our fine nation is once again under scrutiny. The independence we vouched for should not amount to a one euro tip and snog from an Ivy-League douche with a Northface fleece!" exclaimed Minister Coats. Later adding "If t'aint our national landmark, t'aint a reason to have the NADS to protect it." Though at one point in an uncomfortable position, the NADS have adjusted themselves for a more firm position on the tourism issue. Without argument, the WTB - whom all are NADS - agreed.

Mysticism once engulfed the lore of the Blarney Stone. It has been passed down that those who kiss the stone shall be eloquent. A testament to which all Wiscorksinites aspire, never failing to follow a comment with a classic Naven schneaar. However, that mysticism has been tarnished; Minister Coats's observations are not daft. Wiscorksin hospitals have been flooded with tourists spewing nothing but shit from their mouths upon kissing the stone, going to such lengths as to pretend they have an authentic "Wiscorksin Accent".

Blarney local, Paddy Gleason accounts that "these tourists; fiends; heathens; would get the same amount of attention from their bourgeoisie mates if they had an arm sticking out of their ass." Clearly, local residents feel some amount of angst toward the interlopers looking to adopt the Wiscorksin identity for purely aesthetic reasons.

The NADS remain in a bind, but parliament; parliament remains optimistic. If need be, to protect the sovereignty of the People's Republic of Wiscorksin, NADS have declared borders may possibly be closed and boundaries drawn. Though even the Wiscorksin ministers are baffled on how best to do this.




* Further articles, responses, and opinions from the Pocket Protector may be also read under the alias "Ann Landers" in local American newpapers.

A Matter Of Life and Death (and Avoiding the Latter)

Reports were finally published today in the Wiscorksin Medical Journal that the rumours are true, an apple a day does keep the doctor away, fermented apple juice to be precise. An extensive study has been carried out by Wiscorksin Ministers, under the watchful eye of a crack team of medical experts, for the last 16 years and it has been finally proven that the frequent consumption of hard hard apple cider has prevented both Minister O Keeffe and Minister Finn from having to visit their respective GP's for almost ten years now (and counting). Save from the occasional drinking accident which may have resulted in stitches and minor surgery, the two aforementioned Ministers have had no reason whatsoever to visit the doctor.

"To say I'm healthy would be an understatement!", chuckled Minister finn as he pounded his third Magners (Bulmers in Ireland) cider at 11am this morning. "I've never felt so alive", expressed Minister O Keeffe propping up the bar from a nearby stool.

This reporter could only stare on in disbelief as the two Ministers drank nearly a case of the Irish elixir before heading off to the Embassy to undertake their daily duties looking like a pair of fresh-faced rascals, leading him to believe that the statements from the Wiscorksin Medical Board are indeed true.

OPERATION WISCORKSIN DOMINATION: STAGE 1 -- Take Control of Religion

NEW YORK, New York -- Pope Benedict XVI has chosen Timothy Dolan, the popular conservative Milwaukee archbishop to replace Cardinal Edward Egan. The appointment represents the first Wiscorksin national to be appointed a high office in a world religion.

"This is but the first of many high-ranking Wiscorksinite citizens to infiltrate and instill our new nation's values on the rest of the world," confided Minister of Wizardry, John Hamilton James. "It is proof the wizardry of our Wiscorksin forefathers will live on in the generations of tomorrow's youth. This is merely the first stage of our plan to bring beer, whiskey and cheese to the four corners of the world."

It remains unclear the motivations of the Wiscorksin plot for global recognition and power, as well what the next stages will be. But one could reasonably assume the nation will have to gain influence in the theaters of Hollywood entertainment, bottled water production and waterpark management to gain any world attention.

Powers Whiskey Found in Illinois Territories

CHICAGO, Illinois -- On national business in the territory of Illinois for a meeting with the Director of the Wiscorksonian Institute of Natural Abilities, Powers Gold Label whiskey was found at a bar located at 3425 W. Fullerton Ave. Behind the bar at the Burlington shining brilliant and amber stood the bottle, the pride of Wiscorksin forebearers.

It was later revealed that the bar is actually owned by two men from Burlington, Wisconsin. A dispatch from the People's Republic of Wiscorksin stated the Burlington is now officially recognized as a Chicago-area territory, wherein sanctuary will be offered to all foreign nationals.

Official Memo from Minister Coats

Dear Fellow Council Members:

I will be traveling on official Wiscorksin business to the Homeland for the duration of February 22 to March 1. Please post the minutes of Sunday Council meetings and any urgent updates as necessary. I would appreciate being kept abreast of all Wiscorksin business during my travels. Should you have any requests for Wisconsin delicacies, including but not limited to cheese, cheese curds, fried cheese curds or geographically shaped cheese, please submit the necessary import/export paperwork with my staff.

I would also like to schedule a meeting of the Council upon my return to discuss the Official Celebration of the Day of Ministers Birth for Minister Huggins and myself. Suggestions on venue and events should be submitted in writing prior to said meeting.

I appreciate your understanding and cooperation.

Sincerely,

Minister J.K. Coats

"Happy Cows" Are Fucking Slaves

CALIFORNIA -- Rumors have escalated in recent years that "happy cows come from California," a message controlled by the liberal Hollywood Establishment.



"Frankly, it reminds me of the Mao Regime," commented Foreign Minister to Arizona, Matthew Huggins. "They show these cows in sunglasses, smooth-talking to the television audiences across the United States, and maybe citizens are falling for it. Maybe people actually believe a state whose entire existence is based on the manipulation of both Nature and Civilization can produce happy cows. But those spots don't fool me. You can apply blush to a bruise and you can paint a spot over the burns from a cattle prod, but underneath it all pain is pain, and I can see what cowers behind those Wayfarers."

Equally called into question at the hearings were the citizens of Wisconsin for allowing such a rivalry to fester. California is duly acknowledged for its strengths -- cinema, surfing, wine -- but dairy is not a likely threat to the Wisconsin industry, whose legacy of delicious 2% chocolate milk and fresh, squeaky cheese curds make them the figureheads for the state's identity elsewhere in the United States. Allowing such callous antagonisms as a "surfing cow" to shift happy-working conditions on Wisco farms is "no less appalling than California cheese" the committee members concluded.

The Wiscorksin Environmental Tribunal has issued a decree of amnesty for any and all bovines seeking shelter from unfair labor conditions not only in California, but also in the state of Wisconsin and beyond. "We have no idea what horrors hide behind the curtains of dairy farms," reasoned an Agricultural Attache to the Tribunal. "Thus, we must make sanctuary available to all cows seeking escape from a life they have no control over."

A statement was released later that afternoon that Kraft American Singles had never and will never be allowed as substitute for the generous products provided by cows of the free state, except on such nationally-recognized days of rest and on those occasions when dairy cows take holiday. It remains uncertain if Beef Cattle, Zebu, Yak, Gaur, Bison and other members of the Bovidae family will be offered similar rights in the People's Republic of Wiscorksin.

Historical Footage Found: Ancestors Once Jumped Sharks

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin -- Footage unearthed in the basement of a residence at 565 North Clinton Drive proves suspicions that yes, in fact, early ancestors of the modern day Wiscorksinites did jump sharks.



For years anthropologists have debated the authenticity of evidence suggesting pre-national denizens dared to the heights and measure of Greek Myths by reportedly resolving to jump dangerous ocean life -- including sharks -- for mere sport. Dr. A. Marie Howe, Director of the Wiscorksonian Institute of Natural Abilities, was delighted with the finds, calling them the "most important cultural evidence of our clear national value since rock'n'roll."

A Brief Word from Minister Graham Finn

WILLIAMSBURG, New York -- "Eat More Cheese!" Words that echoed around the Williamsburg Wiscorksin Embassy tonight, fueled by Minister Alan O'Keeffe's notion that we are all, and I quote, "Drunk on Power".

Phil Lynott Named As First National Hero

NEW YORK, New York -- Rock and roll legend Phil Lynott, Irish troubadour of the bass guitar and deceased Thin Lizzy front man, named first national hero of Wiscorksin.

"When we look back to what got us here, we can't help but acknowledge Phil's running bass lines as a major catalyst for action. I mean Jailbreak, Warrior, Black Rose -- these songs speak from the heart about overcoming adversity, and we believe it an honor for us to recognize his contribution in our struggles for freedom. Rest in Peace, Phil." spoke Minister Graham Finn at a recent press conference. With that Finn plucked two petals from a wilted rose, let them drop and bowed his head.

A 3:30 period of silence was observed, reportedly in honor of Lynott's Waiting On an Alibi.



Memorial drinks will always be served at the Sixth Ward in the LES or the Four-Faced Liar near the corner of 6th Avenue and West 4th Street. Prayers will be accepted and sent to heaven. Financial help always accepted by any of us.

National Beverage Announced!

As part of the first Wiscorksinite Summit, it was decided among its ministers that a national beverage be announced and consumed (herein referred to as ARTICLE 1.025a). It was put forth by the Irish-bred citizens that Powers Gold Label Whiskey, once owned by the Cork Distillers Company, be named the official spirits of the new nation. And that Miller High Life, brewed in Milwaukee Wisconsin, be named the national chaser. The partnership will uphold a long-heralded tradition of drink specials found the world over, but seems destined to improve the crass American combo of Budweiser and rail whisky.

"Sometimes when delegates of the ministry meet for policy ratifications, amendment legislation can last for days diminishing efforts that had once begun as an honest attempt at change," commented Minister Alan O'Keeffe "But today we've seen partisanship that will hopefully usher in an era of opportunity and prosperity. I'm proud of this effective article and of my fellow ministers for not wasting time deliberating on what will surely be an important step of this nation as it goes forward."

While the final vote was called, O'Keeffe was observed from afar as a man in possession of great poise until the unanimous outcome clearly overwhelmed him.

"O'Keeffe wanted this one. He believed in it and ushered it along in its early development. I was more than happy to propose a Milwaukee beer to follow it down. Neither Powers, nor High Life need each other -- that's certain, but this team will prove a global phenomenon as they tackle the doldrums of bigger issues to come," spoke Minister Hines, in support of his colleague, adding: "When the chips are down, you gotta drink the best. And we all believe in striving to that end for our citizens."

Upcoming Wiscorksin News: A New Flag, First Reports on the GNP, and an Application for Citizenship.