Historical Footage Found: Ancestors Once Jumped Sharks

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin -- Footage unearthed in the basement of a residence at 565 North Clinton Drive proves suspicions that yes, in fact, early ancestors of the modern day Wiscorksinites did jump sharks.



For years anthropologists have debated the authenticity of evidence suggesting pre-national denizens dared to the heights and measure of Greek Myths by reportedly resolving to jump dangerous ocean life -- including sharks -- for mere sport. Dr. A. Marie Howe, Director of the Wiscorksonian Institute of Natural Abilities, was delighted with the finds, calling them the "most important cultural evidence of our clear national value since rock'n'roll."

Phil Lynott Named As First National Hero

NEW YORK, New York -- Rock and roll legend Phil Lynott, Irish troubadour of the bass guitar and deceased Thin Lizzy front man, named first national hero of Wiscorksin.

"When we look back to what got us here, we can't help but acknowledge Phil's running bass lines as a major catalyst for action. I mean Jailbreak, Warrior, Black Rose -- these songs speak from the heart about overcoming adversity, and we believe it an honor for us to recognize his contribution in our struggles for freedom. Rest in Peace, Phil." spoke Minister Graham Finn at a recent press conference. With that Finn plucked two petals from a wilted rose, let them drop and bowed his head.

A 3:30 period of silence was observed, reportedly in honor of Lynott's Waiting On an Alibi.



Memorial drinks will always be served at the Sixth Ward in the LES or the Four-Faced Liar near the corner of 6th Avenue and West 4th Street. Prayers will be accepted and sent to heaven. Financial help always accepted by any of us.