A Matter Of Life and Death (and Avoiding the Latter)

Reports were finally published today in the Wiscorksin Medical Journal that the rumours are true, an apple a day does keep the doctor away, fermented apple juice to be precise. An extensive study has been carried out by Wiscorksin Ministers, under the watchful eye of a crack team of medical experts, for the last 16 years and it has been finally proven that the frequent consumption of hard hard apple cider has prevented both Minister O Keeffe and Minister Finn from having to visit their respective GP's for almost ten years now (and counting). Save from the occasional drinking accident which may have resulted in stitches and minor surgery, the two aforementioned Ministers have had no reason whatsoever to visit the doctor.

"To say I'm healthy would be an understatement!", chuckled Minister finn as he pounded his third Magners (Bulmers in Ireland) cider at 11am this morning. "I've never felt so alive", expressed Minister O Keeffe propping up the bar from a nearby stool.

This reporter could only stare on in disbelief as the two Ministers drank nearly a case of the Irish elixir before heading off to the Embassy to undertake their daily duties looking like a pair of fresh-faced rascals, leading him to believe that the statements from the Wiscorksin Medical Board are indeed true.

OPERATION WISCORKSIN DOMINATION: STAGE 1 -- Take Control of Religion

NEW YORK, New York -- Pope Benedict XVI has chosen Timothy Dolan, the popular conservative Milwaukee archbishop to replace Cardinal Edward Egan. The appointment represents the first Wiscorksin national to be appointed a high office in a world religion.

"This is but the first of many high-ranking Wiscorksinite citizens to infiltrate and instill our new nation's values on the rest of the world," confided Minister of Wizardry, John Hamilton James. "It is proof the wizardry of our Wiscorksin forefathers will live on in the generations of tomorrow's youth. This is merely the first stage of our plan to bring beer, whiskey and cheese to the four corners of the world."

It remains unclear the motivations of the Wiscorksin plot for global recognition and power, as well what the next stages will be. But one could reasonably assume the nation will have to gain influence in the theaters of Hollywood entertainment, bottled water production and waterpark management to gain any world attention.

Powers Whiskey Found in Illinois Territories

CHICAGO, Illinois -- On national business in the territory of Illinois for a meeting with the Director of the Wiscorksonian Institute of Natural Abilities, Powers Gold Label whiskey was found at a bar located at 3425 W. Fullerton Ave. Behind the bar at the Burlington shining brilliant and amber stood the bottle, the pride of Wiscorksin forebearers.

It was later revealed that the bar is actually owned by two men from Burlington, Wisconsin. A dispatch from the People's Republic of Wiscorksin stated the Burlington is now officially recognized as a Chicago-area territory, wherein sanctuary will be offered to all foreign nationals.

Official Memo from Minister Coats

Dear Fellow Council Members:

I will be traveling on official Wiscorksin business to the Homeland for the duration of February 22 to March 1. Please post the minutes of Sunday Council meetings and any urgent updates as necessary. I would appreciate being kept abreast of all Wiscorksin business during my travels. Should you have any requests for Wisconsin delicacies, including but not limited to cheese, cheese curds, fried cheese curds or geographically shaped cheese, please submit the necessary import/export paperwork with my staff.

I would also like to schedule a meeting of the Council upon my return to discuss the Official Celebration of the Day of Ministers Birth for Minister Huggins and myself. Suggestions on venue and events should be submitted in writing prior to said meeting.

I appreciate your understanding and cooperation.

Sincerely,

Minister J.K. Coats

"Happy Cows" Are Fucking Slaves

CALIFORNIA -- Rumors have escalated in recent years that "happy cows come from California," a message controlled by the liberal Hollywood Establishment.



"Frankly, it reminds me of the Mao Regime," commented Foreign Minister to Arizona, Matthew Huggins. "They show these cows in sunglasses, smooth-talking to the television audiences across the United States, and maybe citizens are falling for it. Maybe people actually believe a state whose entire existence is based on the manipulation of both Nature and Civilization can produce happy cows. But those spots don't fool me. You can apply blush to a bruise and you can paint a spot over the burns from a cattle prod, but underneath it all pain is pain, and I can see what cowers behind those Wayfarers."

Equally called into question at the hearings were the citizens of Wisconsin for allowing such a rivalry to fester. California is duly acknowledged for its strengths -- cinema, surfing, wine -- but dairy is not a likely threat to the Wisconsin industry, whose legacy of delicious 2% chocolate milk and fresh, squeaky cheese curds make them the figureheads for the state's identity elsewhere in the United States. Allowing such callous antagonisms as a "surfing cow" to shift happy-working conditions on Wisco farms is "no less appalling than California cheese" the committee members concluded.

The Wiscorksin Environmental Tribunal has issued a decree of amnesty for any and all bovines seeking shelter from unfair labor conditions not only in California, but also in the state of Wisconsin and beyond. "We have no idea what horrors hide behind the curtains of dairy farms," reasoned an Agricultural Attache to the Tribunal. "Thus, we must make sanctuary available to all cows seeking escape from a life they have no control over."

A statement was released later that afternoon that Kraft American Singles had never and will never be allowed as substitute for the generous products provided by cows of the free state, except on such nationally-recognized days of rest and on those occasions when dairy cows take holiday. It remains uncertain if Beef Cattle, Zebu, Yak, Gaur, Bison and other members of the Bovidae family will be offered similar rights in the People's Republic of Wiscorksin.

Historical Footage Found: Ancestors Once Jumped Sharks

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin -- Footage unearthed in the basement of a residence at 565 North Clinton Drive proves suspicions that yes, in fact, early ancestors of the modern day Wiscorksinites did jump sharks.



For years anthropologists have debated the authenticity of evidence suggesting pre-national denizens dared to the heights and measure of Greek Myths by reportedly resolving to jump dangerous ocean life -- including sharks -- for mere sport. Dr. A. Marie Howe, Director of the Wiscorksonian Institute of Natural Abilities, was delighted with the finds, calling them the "most important cultural evidence of our clear national value since rock'n'roll."

A Brief Word from Minister Graham Finn

WILLIAMSBURG, New York -- "Eat More Cheese!" Words that echoed around the Williamsburg Wiscorksin Embassy tonight, fueled by Minister Alan O'Keeffe's notion that we are all, and I quote, "Drunk on Power".